


A Wild, Living Thing

by ralf



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Angst, Caring Alec Lightwood, Established Relationship, Future Fic, Hurt/Comfort, Immortality Angst, Immortality Talk, M/M, Magnus Bane Deserves Nice Things, Vulnerable Magnus Bane, except not really
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-03
Updated: 2018-01-03
Packaged: 2019-02-27 22:11:37
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,213
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13257645
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ralf/pseuds/ralf
Summary: Alec had imagined several different reactions when he suggested that he become immortal. Flat out rejection wasn't one of them.





	A Wild, Living Thing

The vehement “No” Magnus uttered is still ringing in Alec's ears as he watches Magnus turn away, facing the balcony instead of him.

Soft light spills over his silhouette and makes the dyed tips of his hair gleam. Despite the heavy silence that has settled around them after Magnus's outburst he notices how beautiful Magnus looks against the Brooklyn skyline. But the peaceful sight is treacherous. Alec can see the melancholy lurking in the stretch of his back.

Alec takes a steadying breath and pushes his initial hurt down. It's clear that something is weighing heavily on him and until he knows exactly what is going on in Magnus's mind, what triggered this fierce reaction, he can't leap to any conclusions.

He lets another moment pass before he breaks the quiet with a tentative question. “You.. don't want me to become immortal?” Though he does his best to prevent it his emotions still bleed into his voice, the confusion, the barely concealed insecurity.

Tenseness creeps up the set of Magnus's shoulders, and then he gives a jerky nod.

Alec swallows drily and fights against the sensation of the ground shifting under his feet. He doesn't understand.

“Why?”

Magnus remains motionless, doesn't turn, doesn't even breathe.

Alec won't, can't leave it at that. He needs an explanation. He takes a step towards Magnus.

“I know I can love you for the rest of my life. Don't you.. don't you feel the same?” He wishes he could say his voice didn't break at the end but alas he gave up lying to himself a long time ago.

Magnus slumps and his answer is just a whisper. “I can't.”

Alec's hearts plummets but it only reaches as far as his stomach before Magnus is shaking his head. “No, I could, but.. it wouldn't happen that way.”

Alec feels a maelstrom of conflicting feelings tugging at him from all sides, relief that Magnus denied his previous statement, fear and confusion, concern for both Magnus and what he's saying, dread reaching for him with clawed fingers and through it all a smudge of hope that he got it all wrong.

There's only one way to bring clarity and that is getting Magnus to talk. “I don't understand,” he says.

A few seconds tick by until Magnus finally turns around. There's anguish etched into his features, agony Alec couldn't hope to understand, ingrained into him deeply by centuries of existence. Alec desperately wants to reach out, to eradicate that misery, to bring a spark back into his eyes, but he clenches his jaw and waits. He needs to understand this to be of any help.

Magnus's gaze slides off Alec and focuses somewhere around his elbow.

“I don't think you really comprehend what immortality would mean for you,” he starts. “Everyone you love will be torn from you. Your parents. Your little brother. Isabelle, your sister who means the world to you. Jace, your parabatai, the one who owns part of your soul, the one who will take part of your soul with him when he dies.”

Alec clenches his fists against the feeling of the air being sucked out of his lungs. He knows all of this, has lain awake more nights than he cares to remember thinking about all the grief immortality will grant him. He knows all this, but hearing it in Magnus's gentle tone – as if a low murmur could somehow soften the meaning of those words – only serves to really drive the point home.

“And not just them,” Magnus continues relentlessly, “Everyone you've ever known, friends, colleagues, acquaintances. Your whole world will be lost, piece by piece.” There's a wet shine in Magnus's eyes and he lets them fall closed. “The only thing that remains will be me.”

The way he says that last word makes Alec's insides turn cold.

“How could being with me even begin to compensate all that pain?” He leaves Alec no chance to answer. “How could you _ever_ forgive me for letting you do this to yourself without stopping you?”

Magnus's breath hitches. “And.. the only thing I can imagine that's worse than a world without you is a world where you hate me.”

A tear escapes from under his lashes and he starts to turn away again, but Alec grips his arms before he can distance himself. Magnus shows no resistance as Alec envelopes him in a hug, pulls him close with no intention of letting go anytime soon. He just holds him, his fingers absently tracing patterns across his back, while he wraps his mind around what he just heard and taking a minute to figure out how to put into words what he wants to say, what he feels. Then he starts to speak.

“You say that like I'm making this decision with my head. Like I'm weighting pros and cons. I'm not.” Magnus has gone a little less pliant in his arms, a clear sign that he's listening, even though he doesn't react otherwise, his face still hidden away in Alec's neck.

Alec rests his hands around him and goes on. “I feel my love for you like a wild, living thing. It's beyond control and sometimes I feel like it's tearing me apart from the inside.” He sighs. “Magnus, I know that being immortal is a curse. _Becoming_ immortal even more so. I know how horrible losing my family would be.” He's thought about it in excruciating detail and it breaks his heart every time. “But do you know what's even more gut wrenching than imagining that pain?”

Magnus remains motionless against him, save for little tremors running through him. Alec grips him tighter. “It's imagining you, alone again, after I die. I _can't_ , Magnus. I can't leave you behind like that. I would do absolutely anything to spare you that pain.” His hands slide along Magnus's spine, partly to soothe him, but mostly to calm himself, to reassure himself that this day has not come yet. “And there is something I can do. How could I not?”

He's not expecting the sob that wrecks Magnus's frame. Magnus clutches at his shirt and Alec instinctively gathers him closer to his chest, trying to alleviate his hurt by sheer proximity. It's not working right away, Alec can feel Magnus's tears on his skin, slipping down his neck and disappearing under his collar, but he couldn't care less about that. All he cares about is the way Magnus slowly seems to regain some of his composure, the way his shivers recede and his heartbeat evens out.

Alec turns to press a kiss to the side of his head, the short hair there tickling his lips. “I love you.”

Magnus gives another shudder before echoing the sentiment, his voice scratchy and small. “I love you, too.”

Alec rests his cheek against Magnus's temple and sighs, contented for the moment by Magnus's warmth and the firmness of him beneath his hands.

They will have to talk about this, but neither of them is in any shape for that conversation right now. Right now they need time to breathe and just _be_ , and so Alec leads Magnus to their bedroom where they settle beneath the sheets, getting lost in each other and the comfort shared between them.

 

 

.

 


End file.
